Snow - 1/29/19

                

         Everything seems a little bit heavier these days – my eyes in the morning, my boots as I pull them on and off to leave and reenter my apartment, my jacket as I slip in my arms for the eleventh time by noon. I’m starting to count down the hours until the end. Lyft is beginning to surcharge my credit card, and lecture recordings – no, not diamonds – have become a girl’s best friend. I never appreciated the feeling of 15 degrees against my skin, but when you’re promised -15 the day after, it suddenly presents as appealing. It’s unfortunate that my childhood joys associated with snow have been wiped clean – with no hope of a snow day, the fluffy clouds just seems like additional messy obstacles now. Who knows what’ll happen tomorrow? Wait – I guess it doesn’t matter. I’ll be busy regardless.

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Dreams - 1/31/19

 

         I have found my dreams making a rather drastic transition recently – this beginning in the last half-year or so, but intensifying in this difficult weather. Specifically, I theorize that my dreams have been tapping into my subconscious and forcing me to face any internalized fears that I often suppress. I can’t say that part of my didn’t see this confrontation coming, but I can’t say that it made it any easier. 

         What is this mysterious nightmare, however? It often unfolds with a series of out-of-body experiences – events in which I uncontrollably do a series of out-of-character, rude and inconsiderate things to hurt my friends and loved-ones. I find myself betraying their needs and neglecting cries for help – opposite of my conscious instincts. My nature drives me to always be there for the ones I love, ready with open arms to drop anything. It makes sense why I worry about being incompetent and not enough, but the sobering and chilling thought of being so disappointing to the people I value never fails to wake me in cold sweats.

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Vitamin C - 2/5/19

 

         I’ve grown an aversion towards Vitamin C simply because of the love America has shown it. I always knew that when taken in incremental doses, it had some correlation with supporting a stronger immune system. My roommate took this to the next level. Known for getting sick for unreasonably long periods of time, she moved into our apartment with five cases of orange immune-support tea, four containers of citrus women’s gummies, three cases of Emergen-C, two packs of AirBorne, and an actual bag of oranges, for good measure. I couldn’t help but laugh when I noticed the orange dish soap, patiently waiting by our sink to rid our apartment of all disease. Watching her consume these products in copious quantities has made me wonder if I’m doing enough. I should be okay though – I have my tangerine hoodie on.

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Getting There - 2/26/19

 

         I don’t believe that there exists a true “there” to get to. I used to think that everything in life is about achieving a specific goal, but the journey composes way more time than that final burst satisfaction. This journey is really easy to lose sight of in the midst of all the madness, but the madness is what we remember before the light at the end even comes to mind. Anyway, isn’t any goal worth working towards even more difficult to maintain than achieve? I tell myself this today to never drop my ambition for trying harder and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. It doesn’t matter how hard we try and what incredible goals we will achieve – we will still never truly be “there.”

 

Break - 2/28/19

 

         I’ve spent so much of this semester waiting for this ephemeral week to come, but as the onset of March comes with it, I’m beginning to adjust what I associate break with. It seems that as soon as we all return to campus, our midterm and final exams gallop right after us to tell us the end of another semester is here. I begin to regret waiting for this vacation to come, because I realize that I forgot to enjoy the journey all along. Now, not all of it was in despair. There have been many unforgettably happy times, but was I really, completely there for them all? Maybe I missed the present in waiting for the future. Or maybe, I should just give myself a break.

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The City - 3/12/19

 

         Living 25 minutes from New York City for the majority of my life – close enough for my entire family to commute daily, but too far for my college friends to acknowledge me as a New Yorker – I’ve always shared a special relationship with the dollar pizza crust-covered streets and excessively high buildings. After spending more than a month away from the city, my withdrawals kick in and I crave being surrounded by the tension and excitement once again. A funny thing happens when I do start coming in daily, however. The once anticipation-filled commute turns into a chore, the heavy smog invites itself to sit on my skin upon entry, and the streets flooded with strangers make solo-walks ever so lonely. I start to crave all of the small-town warmth I reside in full time once again. I guess this means you can’t call me a real city girl – but keep that secret safe. It’s only for me to admit.

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Thinking/Not Thinking - 3/19/19

 

         I believe the power to not think is one of the most valuable skills which many of us never achieve. Unfortunately I fall under this category, because at this point I’m convinced that my thoughts have thoughts. But like too much of any good thing, overloading your mind with cascades of education, anxiety, and drama makes it exponentially less capable of processing each individual thought. While studying for an organic chemistry exam this weekend, I found myself unable to detach my mind and stop thinking when I went to bed. After all, if Claisen Condensations are invading the hours off even physiology gifted us, how will I be ready to come back to any work the next day?

 

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Spring Sounds Like - 3/21/19

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         It’s everyone’s birthday and we don’t know how to fit them into our schedules. The snow is still falling, but now in the form of rain. We check the weather for confirmation that spring will stay, but somehow freezing temperatures come to show again the following week. The voices of children on bicycles sound a little bit louder as they spontaneously flood corners of our campus in the nice weather. I don’t know why exactly they’re here, but I definitely think Spring helped bring them over. Does spring really exist? I think spring fights a battle being sandwiched between winter and summer, yet never feels victory. Nonetheless, if it’s a loss, it’s a blissful one.

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The Sun - 3/26/19

 

         It’s easy to love the feeling of warmth and light on your body, taking on the role of painful wind chill that once bit your skin instead. But as I make my way to class, heavily squinting to see my route, I start noticing all of these scents and elements to my surrounding for the first time all year. Did the birds always hum together like that? Was that sign always on our block? How did my winter diet treat my body this year? I wonder if all of these things really are out for the first time with the onset of spring, or if the lack of cold released my consciousness to focus on something other than shivering. 

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Mechanical Pencils - 4/7/19

 

         I’m not sure if I can explain my lifelong love for mechanical pencils, but it has caused my dad to hate them from the first time I convinced him I needed a pack. The term “mechanical” itself was both mystifying and inviting to my 7-year-old self. I thought it was a device made by engineers, for engineers…and for Kat! I was ready to find any excuse to get newly-rim-colored mechanical pencils – school, my friends stole mine, my new art career – you name it! Who knew so much angst could arise in my father over a silly school supply? I sure didn’t, and then I requested it about forty times.

 

Bright - 4/9/19

 

         Last Sunday I exited the chapter of my pre-medical fraternity anxious and confused – none of which were uncommon Sunday circumstances – and I took these emotions straight to my wallet. Now, I’m stressed and unstable while wearing a bright blue jacket that reminds me to smile when things are getting tough. I look at my sleeves, remember my goals, and breathe deeply until I can smile. My one concern is, however, that while I’m using my jacket to improve my mood, I don’t conversely experience my mood bringing down the jacket. It was expensive.

 

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Headphones vs. AirPods - 4/16/19

 

         I never realized just how unbearable of an issue wires on headphones were until they were gone. I’m not sure if sitting and untangling for five minutes has been primed in me for so long that I never questioned it, or if by buying AirPods I found myself a new superficial problem that never existed. What I do know, however, is that I can’t go back.

         I’ve received a lot of judgement over the year and a quarter I’ve owned these mini golf-club looking devices, but everyone bold enough to make a witty comment eventually is seen wearing their own. I’ve even seen fake versions being worn – but at that point, is it the utility or the social pull that brought you onto the dark side?

 

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Coconuts - 4/23/19

 

         Discovering I developed lactose intolerance one month into my sophomore year of college felt like the begging of the end. My schedule was filled with notoriously difficult classes, I had the responsibility of buying and cooking my own food, and cheese was officially banned amongst the solutions to either of those problems. My freshman year also taught me that late-night cappuccinos were a comforting habit to juxtapose with paying for procrastination. After being spoiled off of these espresso drinks topped with steamed milk, there was no way I was going to accept regression to an opaque brew that so smugly blends with my mug. 

         At the time I didn’t like soy milk, and couldn’t understand why anyone would choose almond. I did eventually discover the solution to all of these unfortunate situations – I was introduced to coconut milk. I’ve come a long way since the summer. My heart tremors at the sight of cow milk, I’ve learned to love all dairy alternatives, and even black coffee has found an appeal to my heart. Most importantly, however, when it’s midnight and my brain is having trouble keeping up with the language I’m typing in, I can still happily order a cappuccino.